Mango and Cherry

Here's the thing: God can supply a master welder upon prayer in California, but I still refuse to allow Him to work in me because I can't be bothered to concentrate. Truly, I am an idiot.

My N-CLEX is in a little over 24 hours and I'm finally starting to feel some of the panic I've been waiting weeks for. Of course, I haven't even wanted to mention it to anyone for fear that if I DO fail, then I'll have to tell all those people I asked for prayer and support that, well, crud, guess what happened?

God can do amazing things - correction: He DOES amazing things, but I know that, at least from looking over my own life, He expects some participation in the deal. This time around with studying enough? I kind of sat it out, bit the big one, warmed the bench a little too long, basically... yeah, now I'm finally getting nervous. There has been studying done, particularly over medications, but now I'm wishing I'd found a Kaplan course around here that could have prepared me for the test style itself, not just the content.

Though when I look over notes, all those studies over the last couple of years start to creep back into my brain. I'm glad to have reminded myself, but it's good to know that the knowledge is still hidden in there. I just really, really need to be able to dredge it up during a (potentially) six hour exam.

I just keep shooting myself in the foot, you know? Wish someone would take the weapon out of my hands already, or at least remind me to put it down before I hurt myself again.

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Forever Ago

The lateness of the hour reminds me of when I used to do all-night blogs at my old office job when I worked the graveyard shift. I've traded to a computer room and Bon Iver playing softly in the background, unable to fall asleep because my sleep patterns are crap at the moment. So it's been a month since I've written? What should I cover? Perhaps snapshots will do:

Zara and I shouting out DAY-O to each other, born of a new love for Harry Belafonte.

Making friends at orientation, sadly accepting the fact that we'll be at different hospitals in a week's time and far away.

Donning my Tarleton Nursing hoodie for the last cold morning this Valley's winter has to offer, a whole 47 degrees.

Navigating myself around Harlingen, wondering why God sent me in this direction, but learning the roads all the same.

Filling out my RSVP for Aduma and Becky's wedding, wondering and fearing the people I'll come across in Denver in a few week's time.

Rocco vomiting milk all over my shirtfront in the middle of a crying jag. Sighing and hugging him close anyway so he can finally get some sleep at two in the morning.

Staring at myself in royal blue scrubs in the mirror and asking myself when nursing will feel real instead of fabrication.

Splitting a chocolate and pecan caramel apple with Ace and Nikki.

Agonizing on the phone with Christina before I finally remember and relax.

Having Sarah Jo and Becky both telling me it's okay to be unhappy with it, but urging me to move forward all the same.

Sleeping in until after two after three full days of actual work, leaving me awake now and considering there's still so much to go.

Time for bed, I think.

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Nurse Breeders

On the morning of the 14th, a month and a day following my graduation, I woke from a dream where I had been sitting between two men, a father and son who were gently imploring me to stop acting the way I was. Even as I woke, I knew what it meant, but it's taken some days to clunk into place. Because that month was full of selfish decisions, hiding under blankets, wishing things were different and not accepting the changes that had taken place. In attempting to control everything, I lost myself for a little while. I'm somewhat back in check now (it helped that God timed this well, as Jon Randles of Paradigm was in the area this weekend and available to remind me of what I'm capable of being when looking to God for direction), but it's a continuing struggle, recognizing God fully and continuously as Lord, not just a glimpse when breaking out of the waters of disillusionment before willingly sinking back down. Jon reminded me tonight that I have to give my mind over, the mind that I guard so carefully, that I take such pride in, the mind that tries to take over when things are going well and I humor myself in thinking that it's that way due to my own superiority.

Heavy thoughts when I just came in here to talk about my cute nieces and nephews and compare Home to Home (the Starbucks here has less variety, but there are far more sushi bars available - you'll have to tell me who wins this round). I suppose it needed to be written so I can see it myself instead of locking it away in a portion of my brain, only so I can dredge it up later and hate myself a little for getting lost again.

Feel free to laugh at me, though, if I get the job I'll be applying for tomorrow at Valley Baptist Medical Center. That place has been God-mentioned over the last few months and I tried to ignore it until tonight. Jon told his cousin that he should talk to me and, given it was following church, I figured it was about joining the FBC in Harlingen, but it turns out that, guess what, the cousin is Dr. White out of VBMC. After I very nearly head-desked the table in front of two grown men, I sighed, explained, Jon pointed out the obvious and I said, yes, I will, okay, I'm applying. So if I get in, laugh, because it proves once again that God is smarter than me and I should really stop trying to one-up the guy.

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